Healing

So someone has decided to end your marriage. Or, perhaps it’s a mutual decision. In either case, shock and denial can take over.

As a mom of 3 young kids at the time (ages 4, 6, and 8), my marriage of over 10+ years and my dream of having my own family was shattered. I was overwhelmed at the thought that I would have to provide and care for the kids on my own and only get to be with them for half the time.

For anyone in the early stages of divorce, please take my advice: say less, pray more, do things slowly, and think rationally. You are only in control of how YOU handle this situation.

You are going to be okay. You will find a place to live. You will find a job to provide for yourself and the kids. You will provide them experiences on your own that they will never forget. But for now, stick to a schedule and communicate with your soon to be ex-spouse only about the kids. I would recommend using email so the expectation is that one doesn’t have to respond right away, and texts would be saved for more important topics.

Pray when you don’t feel like it, go to church when you don’t want to, and help others when you are going through your own hardship. I can’t tell you how many times I went to church, no makeup, face all puffy from crying, bringing my pain to God. Acknowledging the blessings that He has given me, but also bearing my cross and asking that He guide me along the way. Do not let worry and fear overwhelm you because those are attributes that are opposite of God. “be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my right hand of justice.”- Isaiah 41:10.

Take each day a step at a time. Make sure you are taking care of your basic needs. Get up, pray, shower, eat, and exercise. That will give you the strength to take care of the kids, go to work, or do the things you need to do. If you can, save the tears for when your kids are not with you or asleep, but there will be days that you’ll cry and you’ll just have to wash your face and get back up.

Lean into family and friends that you can trust. Don’t spend time explaining everything to everyone because they don’t need to know all the details of your divorce. Afterall, you and your former spouse are the only ones that know what happened relationship. The point is that, your marriage is dissolving and you need their support. Whether it’s a text, a phone call, a coffee/dinner date, lean into those who care about you. What is family and friends for if you can’t lean on them during the most difficult times?

Also, his family is his family so don’t waste your time trying to talk to your soon to be ex in-laws. In the event that everyone can be friends or co-mingle in the future, that would be great, but they should not be people you are leaning on during your healing process.

Join a divorce support group. I have been apart of a group for just over a year now and have found much comfort in being able to relate to those who have gone through similar and different experiences of their own. Of our 9 group members, we have over 244 years of marriage combined. We know the grief you’re going through and we promise, brighter days are to come. Thank God for the blessings and the time that you had with your ex-spouse, put that behind, and know that God has a plan for you.

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